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Q: Hi, Charlie, congrats on being vine of the month, but we’re a little confused by your name. That’s traditionally a boy’s name, but… A: Shhhhhhh. Not so loud. It’s risky these days. The feds aren’t exactly LGBT-friendly. Who knows what they’ll do to me. Q: You mean because you’re hermaphroditic? A: We grapes prefer the term “bi.” But, yes, we have boy parts and girl parts, and that’s why we’re self-pollinating. But if Washington finds out, they’ll say Kristof Farms is running a deep-state pollination plot. They might come uproot me. Q: Oh, Charlie, we won’t let them. We stand with grapes of all kinds. And anyway, President Trump doesn’t subscribe to this newsletter. A: Just as well. He and his aides wouldn’t like the self-pollinating part either. They’d think we’re all queer masturbators in the vineyard. But honestly? This is just how God made us. And thank goodness, because bees are disappearing. At least we Chardonnay grapes can take care of ourselves. Q: So, Charlie, harvest time soon? A: Yup. My grapes are sweet and juicy, and they’ll make terrific wine. Just like Wine Spectator said. Q: Wait—you read Wine Spectator? A: Not the print version, dummy. We vines have Wi-Fi. But the Spectator had a great piece saying Willamette Valley Chardonnays are now among the best in the world. And then they listed what they called “eight outstanding Oregon Chardonnays” —and you know who was No. 1 on their list? Let’s just say we’re not naming names, but… it rhymes with Bristof. Q: We weren’t going to mention that. We didn’t want to toot our own horn. A: That’s okay, we vines don’t mind tooting. Especially when it’s true, and we vines were proud of that. And Yamhill-Carlton vineyards did very well in general. Q: What makes Oregon Chards so special? A: Nothing against California—I was born in a nursery there. They make some superb Chards. But some producers mass-produce third-rate juice, then cover it up with oak chips and heavy butter notes. Some consumers might think Chardonnay is supposed to taste like movie-theater popcorn. Frankly, we Oregon vines are embarrassed. We tried to draft a class-action lawsuit, but none of us could hold a pen. Q: But Kristof wines also age in oak barrels… A: Sure, but we use larger, mostly older barrels. That means less oak flavor and more balance—closer to my ancestors in Burgundy. Think “subtle elegance,” not “butter bomb.” Q: Thanks for the time, Charlie. And have a great harvest. A: Anytime. And if you see men in suits with hoes asking for me, just tell them I’ve already been bottled. If they don’t buy that, tell them I’ve moved to Canada—it’s cooler up there anyway.
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