Deploy to Yamhill, Not Portland

Forget “war-ravaged Portland.” The real domestic terrorists are chewing roots at Kristof Farms.

Kristof Farms Chief Security Officer Connie tries to reassure Nick that she has domestic terrorists under control and that we don’t need federal troops. But we fear that Connie needs federal assistance.

President Trump just announced that he is dispatching federal troops “to protect war-ravaged Portland” from what he called “domestic terrorists.”

We’d like to apply to have those troops come and help suppress the domestic terrorist problem we have here on Kristof Farms. Certainly our terrorism problem here in Yamhill is rather more urgent than any in what Trump claimed was the “hell” of Portland.

It’s true that Portland has had a problem with domestic terrorists: At least five people from the area participated in the violent Jan. 6, 2021 attack on the U.S. Capitol to overturn the democratic election of President Joe Biden. All five were pardoned by President Trump, so we Oregonians are indeed concerned about having domestic terrorists among us.

But Portland as “hell”? Does anyone think hell has restaurants this good? Does hell serve local Pinot Noir this delectable? Does hell have such easy access to Mount Hood in one direction and Pacific beaches in the other?

Meanwhile, on Kristof Farms, we do have a hell of a challenge from domestic terrorists, despite the best efforts of Chief Security Officer Connie Kuvasz Kristof. These terrorists are gophers and ground squirrels, not to mention the deer that like to mock our “impregnable deer fence.”

Connie Wants Backup! Our Chief Security Officer does her best, but even she can’t fight off all the deer mocking our “impregnable” fence.

So yes, President Trump: please dispatch your federal troops to Kristof Farms. We’ll direct them to chase gophers, ground squirrels, and deer. We only ask that they show more respect to wildlife than ICE has sometimes shown to immigrants.

A deer domestic terrorist caught red-handed on our wildlife camera. We call on troops to treat them more humanely than ICE treats humans.

And if the troops finish early, we have other missions: paint the barn, cut back blackberries and thistles, and—if they’re feeling truly heroic—smooth out the ruts in our driveway. Ideally before Oct. 4, when we host our next cider & wine tastings and tours at 1:00 pm and 2:45 p.m.

You and the troops alike are welcome to attend the tasting. The later one is a better bet since the early one is nearly full. Nick and Sheryl lead the tasting tours and discussion of the farm as well as of larger issues — and on Oct. 4 that will surely include some back-and-forth about the dispatch of troops.

The tastings tours are $50 per person, which includes the ciders, wines and snacks, and is also applied to any purchase of six or more bottles or to a new membership in the Kristof Farms wine club or cider club. Reserve early by emailing info@KristofFarms.com. And if we run out of spaces, priority will go to members of the wine club or cider club.

Connie joining a farm tasting/tour

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